By Neibert David
Jesus was teaching His disciples how to pray to God – the Father in Matthew 6:9-13. As part of this model prayer Jesus says in Matthew 6:12 (NIV – New International Version): “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” In “Forgive Us Our Debts – Part 1”, it was established that we must forgive others their trespasses against us in order that God will forgive us of our trespasses against Him. We forgive others; God forgives us! We do not forgive others; God does not forgive us!
This command of God can get even more challenging when we are dealing with some parents. In their parenting, they have mistreated their children, yet some of them feel a sense of entitlement when their children are adults. They feel as if their children owe them something for bringing them into the world. It is a debt that children can never repay, therefore some parents dangle this debt over their children’s heads. And through that debt, they attempt to control their children.
This can be found mostly with parents who are not happy and satisfied with and in their own lives, therefore they attempt to control the lives of their children. These same parents feel as if they can do anything to their children, and the children should be so grateful to be alive that they are expected to accept whatever treatment the parents have given them. These parents show their children no respect.
Sadly, these kinds of parents cannot be trusted, and boundaries must be put in place in the relationship with these parents. Boundaries will help the adult children to obey another of the Lord’s commands: honoring these same parents. Each one of us must obey the Lord by honoring our fathers and mothers, yet God is not expecting any person to be a punching bag for our father or our mother just because they are our parents.
We must be wise in how we interact with those parents who mistreat our personhood yet never admit or acknowledge the wrong that they have done. We are to honor them while placing the appropriate boundaries around the relationship if they are not responsible enough to walk in integrity towards us.
Exodus 20:12 says: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” Living long in the land (land translates in the present day to the promises that the Lord has spoken to us) that the Lord has given to us depends on us honoring our father and mother.
In Matthew 15:3-4 – “Jesus replied, ‘And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said: ‘Honor your father and mother’ and ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’” Jesus is reaffirming the Old Testament command to honor your father and your mother and do not curse them. Also, Ephesians 6:2-3 says: “Honor your father and mother” – which is the first commandment with a promise – so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” The promise of a long life has been given to anyone who honors their father and mother.
Honoring your father and your mother is not an option where God is concerned. Yet, adult children of parents who can’t admit that they have mistreated their children, must not feel guilty for trying to protect their own sanity by placing boundaries around their relationships with their parents. This is especially true with mothers because Satan has perpetrated a common lie unto humanity that there is nothing like a mother’s love. Therefore, most people believe that mothers love their children to such a great extent that they will always treat them right. And that is not necessarily the truth.
In evaluating mothers, no provisions are made for the fact that the enemy of the mother’s soul (Satan) could bind her and cause her to mistreat her children. However, some women who have been abused by Satan (using other human beings), will do the same to their children. And these children can become confused about what love really is since society tells them that their abusive mother really loves them.
These children will subconsciously learn that the way mom treats them must be the way that love is. And because their view on love is corrupted, these same children will accept abuse from other people while confusing the abuse for love. The children can also begin to imitate the abuse that they suffered, and in so doing become abusers themselves. And the cycle of abuse and trauma continues from generation to generation!
Fathers can also abuse their children based on the abuse that they have suffered from Satan (using other human beings). But generally, our societies are a little more balanced when it comes to men. Societies are a little more objective where men are concerned, and they will quicker call out and identify the abuses and actions of men over the abuses and actions of women. Nevertheless, both father and mother can be abusive to children, yet children must still forgive both their father and their mother for the trespasses that they have experienced.
Our societies unconsciously tell us that mothers can do no wrong, and sadly some mothers also believe the hype. Therefore, they will not examine themselves or their actions against the Word of God to see how their actions towards their children may be displeasing to God.
God is the only One that each of us will give an account to for the decisions that we made in our lives. Our lives are measured only by the standard that God has set in His Word. Our lives will be measured by nothing or no one else. Therefore parents who have mistreated their children will answer to God for how they have treated their children.
Yet, if parents want to preserve their relationships with their children it is necessary for them to admit and acknowledge when they are wrong. But even if parents do not repent and admit that they are wrong, children must find ways to honor their father and their mother. Honoring father and mother is non-negotiable in God’s eyes!
Children of abusive parents must walk the delicate balance of honoring their father and mother and placing the appropriate boundaries in their relationship with their parents in order to please God and to maintain their own sanity. Children must ask God for wisdom on how to proceed in their relationships with abusive parents.
Still, God is not unfair! In as much as He tells children how to treat their parents, He also tells parents how they should interact with their children.
Deuteronomy records Moses speaking to the children of Israel in the wilderness just before he died. Moses rehearsed the miraculous things that God did for Israel, and after talking about the Ten Commandments, Moses notes the following in Deuteronomy 6:4-5 (KJV – King James Version) – “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.”
Then Moses tells the children of Israel the following in Deuteronomy 6:6-7: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” Further, Deuteronomy 11:19 says: “You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”
In these Scriptures, God is instructing parents on how they are to interact with their children. They are to speak with them when they are walking on the street, sitting in their homes, when they lie down and when they arise. In other words, parents are to always interact with their children. It is highly unlikely that parents who are developing a loving relationship with their children by constantly communicating with them will become abusive to their children.
The parents were to keep telling and reminding the children about the great things that God did on behalf of the children of Israel. God is teaching the children of Israel how to foster relationships with their children. Also, as the parents rehearsed for the children what God did for Israel, the children’s faith in God would develop. They would begin to believe that God could and would do the same for them. The children’s faith, belief, and trust in God would grow.
The Lord Jesus says in Matthew 18:5-6 “And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” In this Scripture, Jesus is placing a very high value on children, and parents are to beware of how they treat children. According to the Lord, the consequences are dire for those who mistreat children.
In Colossians 3:20-21, the Apostle Paul says: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so they won’t become discouraged.” Although the Scripture says “fathers”, this is meant to be communicated to both fathers and mothers because both of them can exasperate their children.
Ephesians 6:3-4 says: “If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.” The Lord Himself lovingly disciplines His children, therefore parents are to follow the same pattern when they are disciplining their children.
Lastly, Galatians 5:25-26 says: “Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.” The Spirit of God will not lead anyone including parents to mistreat their children. Mistreating children comes from the kingdom of Satan.
As parents are examining their actions and attitudes towards their children, it is also key to emphasize that they are to forgive themselves for every wrong that they have done to their children. Everyone needs to forgive themselves as we examine the wrongs that we have done against another. As we examine our lives, we must ask for forgiveness and forgive ourselves! With this God is pleased!
